Unlocking Secrets Read online

  Praise for Unlocking Secrets

  “Kathe boldly shares her courageous journey from hiding behind a wall of secret shame to living joyfully, honestly, freely, and on purpose with a radiantly open heart. This is a beautifully clear portrayal of her sacred transformation, and we are richly blessed that she has shared it with us.”

  — Ramanada John E. Welshons, author of Awakening from Grief and One Soul, One Love, One Heart

  “The longer we withhold the truth, the more locked up it becomes and the more arduous is the journey of coming home to ourselves. This courageous story of the healing that is possible on the other side of secrets is a true inspiration. A well-told story with a profound message.”

  — Gail Larsen, teacher and author of Transformational Speaking

  “This is a poignant, personal tale of spiritual awakening. Here, the ancient, folkloric tradition of storytelling becomes the healer and the healing. The secrets that Kathe shares are all of our secrets. Her generosity in sharing her own through this incredibly moving tale will provide much healing to us all.”

  — Sarah Tomlinson, yantrika and author of Coloring Yantras and Yantra Bliss Oracle Deck

  “Unlocking Secrets is a love story on so many levels. Kathe’s brave story is a giant permission slip to release the secrets that live within you, yet no longer serve you. This book will blow your heart wide open and free you to live fully and courageously from this day forward.”

  — Beth Kempton, author of Freedom Seeker and Wabi Sabi

  “This is a book about what it means to courageously claim your truth and accept every single part of who you are—and to discover freedom in that process. Kathe’s story is a testament to the power of unlocking our secrets and reconciling with the pain, shame, and fear in our lives.”

  —Kelly McNelis, founder of Women For One and best-selling author of Your Messy Brilliance

  “Kathe bares her truth. She is real. She is raw. This is a great read for anyone ready to find their voice and live a more authentic life.”

  — Susan Hyatt, master certified life coach and author of Create Your Own Luck

  “True enlightenment is to walk this path with all you have been given and turn it into a gift to share with others. Kathe is a true goddess and warrior who transformed darkness into light.”

  — Sheryl Edsall, master yoga and ayurveda teacher and founder of Naturally Yoga

  “In courageously unveiling her own secrets and lies previously guarded from the world for decades, Crawford paves the way for each of us to find the true magnificence and inner peace we are all meant to be living. This is a love story for the soul.”

  — Kristen Noel, Editor-In-Chief, Best Self Magazine

  “A raw and gripping read that shows the pain of living with secrets and that having the courage to stand in the truth can forge a path to freedom.”

  — Randy Spelling, speaker, intuitive business coach, and author of Unlimiting You

  “Crawford teaches us that true self-love can only come with true self-expression. Unlocking Secrets serves as a guide for enabling us to work through the dark nights of the soul to the dawn of self-enlightenment and inner self-love.”

  — Jack Schwartz, PsyD., NCPsyA.

  Copyright © 2018 by Kathe Crawford

  Published in the United States by: Hay House, Inc.: www.hayhouse.com® • Published in Australia by: Hay House Australia Pty. Ltd.: www.hayhouse.com.au • Published in the United Kingdom by: Hay House UK, Ltd.: www.hayhouse.co.uk • Published in India by: Hay House Publishers India: www.hayhouse.co.in

  Cover design: Angela Moody • Interior design: Karim J. Garcia

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of a phonographic recording; nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted, or otherwise be copied for public or private use—other than for “fair use” as brief quotations embodied in articles and reviews—without prior written permission of the publisher.

  The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Crawford, Kathe, 1957- author.

  Title: Unlocking secrets : my journey to an open heart / Kathe Crawford.

  Description: Carlsbad, California : Hay House, [2018]

  Identifiers: LCCN 2017060613 | ISBN 9781401953270 (tradepaper : alk. paper)

  Subjects: LCSH: Crawford, Kathe, 1957- | Crawford, Kathe, 1957---Marriage. |

  HIV positive persons--Family relationships--United States. | Family secrets. | Self-acceptance.

  Classification: LCC CT275.C8744 A3 2018 | DDC 155.2--dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017060613

  Tradepaper ISBN: 978-1-4019-5327-0

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  1st edition, May 2018

  Printed in the United States of America

  For my sons, Larry and Brian

  CONTENTS

  Foreword by Nancy Levin

  Introduction

  Chapter 1: Spilling My Secrets

  Chapter 2: Learning to Hide

  Chapter 3: Searching for Love and Stability

  Chapter 4: Living with My Choices

  Chapter 5: The Making of the Ultimate Secret

  Chapter 6: The Burden of Secret-Keeping

  Chapter 7: The Final Blow

  Chapter 8: Living without Larry

  Chapter 9: Endings and New Beginnings

  Chapter 10: Melting the Barnacles Away

  Chapter 11: Life without Secrets

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  FOREWORD

  Do you hide aspects of yourself, or pieces of your past, to present an appealing persona to the world? Do you stuff down secrets for fear of being a truth-teller? Do you feel like you’re living a double life?

  In my years of coaching, and years before that of my own secret-keeping, I’ve discovered that most of us truly believe we have to hide who we really are in order to be loved and accepted. The crazy thing is that while we all want to be loved for the truth of who we are, we greatly fear being open, honest, and vulnerable.

  For most of my life, I have been seeking external validation and approval, plus outward permission to even love and accept myself. I put everyone else’s wants, dreams, and needs before mine. I have spent my days managing the perceptions of others, projecting an image of perfection. In the process, I forgot something.

  I forgot to live my own life.

  Much of this stemmed from the secrets I was hiding and the ways I overcompensated to cover them up. Because here’s the deal, we create chaos to avoid the truth and if we don’t look truth right in the eye, it will come out sideways. Everything we are seeking externally must first be resolved internally.

  As I’ve written in my books Jump . . . And Your Life Will Appear, Worthy: Boost Your Self-Worth to Grow Your Net Worth, and The New Relationship Blueprint, and if you’re like me and Kathe, you’ve been abandoning yourself for far too long, living in reaction to others instead of from your own authentic, organic agency. It’s now high time to take this oath: I’m no longer willing to package myself to be digestible to others!

  As someone who has coached thousands of people to embrace fear and welcome change through truth-telling, whether it be relationship transiti
ons, switching careers, geographical relocations, or setting boundaries, I’ve also made my own jumps that include a contentious divorce after a long-term marriage and quitting my prestigious position as Event Director at Hay House, Inc., to lead an entrepreneurial life as a coach, author, and speaker. I’ve seen that no matter what the external jump is, the internal jump is always a deepening of self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-forgiveness, self-love, and self-worth.

  I’m glad you’re here. Inside this book you’ll discover the destruction that secret-keeping can do and the liberation possible when we reveal our truth. While the content of Kathe’s story differs from mine and likely from yours, she weaves us into her world by sharing her devastation and her triumph—and we find ourselves within each thread.

  In the present climate of whistle-blowing and #metoo, after being silenced for far too long, we know it takes more than courage to let the skeletons out of the closet. It takes a profound and intimate relationship with our own sense of self-worth.

  This book is not only a love story, it’s a self-love story.

  I’ve had the honor of coaching Kathe since the fall of 2015 and have witnessed her tremendous transformation firsthand. She came to me knowing she had a big, intimate story that she was afraid to tell, and before she could share it with the world, she needed to come to terms with her own shame, guilt, and fear of exposure. I guided her as she grappled with her sense of loyalty to her deceased husband and the past, and her sense of present and future self. I cheered her on, supporting her decision to leave her glitzy, glamorous, well-paying corporate profession in service of what her life has prepared her to become: a powerful and graceful teacher, author, and integrative coach.

  If you’ve ever felt suffocated by a secret, haunted by hiding your truth, or fearful of allowing your voice to be heard, this book you are holding will illuminate your path out of darkness into the light.

  My wish for you is that Kathe’s story will help unlock the secrets you’ve been keeping and set you on the course of your very own healing journey to freedom.

  Nancy Levin

  Boulder, Colorado

  February 2018

  INTRODUCTION

  Loving yourself . . . means welcoming yourself as the most honored guest in your own heart.

  — MARGOT ANAND

  This is a love story. Not one of those schmaltzy, romantic love stories, but a love story just the same. Do you remember that song “What I Did for Love” from the musical A Chorus Line? I could just as easily give this book the same title. Through all the drama, pain, and absurdity you’ll read about on these pages, love is the one theme at the center of it all.

  And love is also the main reason I kept secrets. I spent a great deal of my life from childhood to adulthood as the protector of others. I wore a figurative suit of armor in an attempt to safeguard the secrets—as well as the demons, pain, and suffering—of my loved ones from the world. Doing so gave me an excuse to ignore my own demons and suffering. I could hide from the wounded child underneath that suit of armor. I could hide my true self from the people in my life, believing that if anyone knew the real me, they’d run in horror, and I’d be left alone without any love at all.

  It wasn’t until I learned how to remove that armor from my heart that my healing truly began. Now I know there’s a different way to live, and I’m ready to do the hard work of sharing my truth with the world, despite not knowing how it might change my life. After this, there will be no one left to tell. Some of what you’ll read in this book is being told for the first time.

  Of course, I’m in no way advocating that everyone should go out and share all of their private information with the world. Sometimes secrets are necessary. Privacy is your right. But I kept my secrets without stopping to think about whether it made sense or not, and eventually those secrets became burdens that kept me isolated and fearful.

  I am someone who knows instinctively how to support and love other people. Releasing my secrets has helped me learn how to fully accept and love myself.

  Today, I realize that it’s important to decide what to disclose and what to withhold based on conscious consideration and an open heart, rather than fear. Often, we’re so scared of judgment that we don’t allow ourselves to be known to anyone. When we do that, we have no allies, no one to tell us we’re okay, and no one to support us through the hardest times. We don’t give anyone a chance to love us unconditionally. It’s a terrible way to live, so a time came when I had to change.

  After going through all that you’ll read about in these pages, I knew my life was a mess, and all the therapy I’d been through just wasn’t cutting it. So I began to meditate, practice yoga, and study with spiritual masters. I now have a spiritual practice that helps me live more fully every single day. Today, I’m an integrative life coach, motivational speaker, and registered yoga teacher. I teach workshops on discovering your truth, defining your best self, and opening your heart.

  While a lot of what I’ve been through has been painful, there has also been a great deal of joy in my life. My experiences taught me to recognize the gift of each and every day, knowing it could be the last. Those experiences showed me how to help others using my courage, spirit, and tenacity. They motivated me to succeed and made me a master at facing life’s challenges head-on.

  Now, my life is completely different from that of the person you’ll read about in most of this book. I’m living proof that you can change if you’re determined to do so. I’m not trying to come across as a victim, a martyr, or a heroine, although I know we all play each of those roles at different times in our lives. I’m just a woman who finally woke up to her heart and continues to strive to be more awake every day.

  My purpose—and my greatest hope—in sharing my story is that in it you’ll find inspiration to help you question, explore, and evaluate your own life, as well as the secrets you keep.

  CHAPTER 1

  SPILLING MY SECRETS

  In August 2015, I was at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, New York, standing up in front of my fellow participants at a workshop called “Transformational Speaking.” I was shaking in my shoes, getting ready to release secrets I’d held on to with a tight, unyielding grip for 30 years.

  I had gradually disclosed some of those secrets to family and a few close friends. But for a long time, no one knew —not my best friend, not my parents, and not my sons.

  Only my husband, Larry, knew. Because they were his secrets and I was their keeper, their guardian. In fact, I didn’t really think of any of it as “secrets,” per se. It was just our life. And I was simply protecting him and our family. It was all for love . . . or that’s what I told myself.

  But what I eventually came to understand is that I was hiding to protect myself from shame and fear of judgment. As long as I could stay hidden and not admit the truth, no one had to know who Kathe Crawford really was. By keeping the secrets, I could remain safe from the ridicule and rejection that scared me so much.

  After decades, though, the thick veil of hiding became too great. So, almost in spite of myself, I was compelled to stand up and speak at the Omega workshop.

  By that time, my husband had been dead for 20 years, but I was still ridden with guilt the night before I was to share our story. Would he be okay with my disclosure? Should I continue to protect him, even in death?

  I hadn’t had time to fully grapple with that guilt before I got to Omega because my intention had been just to listen to other people speak. I wasn’t going to do it myself. At that time, I didn’t care about public speaking. I just wanted to get tips on how to release the story I’d been protecting for so long. The actual release would come later . . . when I was really ready. You’ll just go, sit in the back, learn a few things, and go home, I told myself.

  On the drive to the workshop, I’d had an argument with myself. I’d just had a long and stressful workday and was exhausted. Why do you have to keep fixing yourself? You’ve been working on yourself for years. Wh
en’s it going to be enough? Can’t you give yourself a break for once? A part of me wanted to turn around and go back home—skip the workshop altogether.

  Then another part of me chimed in: Internal work is always hard, but you know you love it. You always feel better afterward. Stop beating yourself up. This will be good for you.

  Through my spiritual work, I had begun to chip away at my layers of defenses and heal a lot of my old wounds. Still, the core of my pain and the core of my true self were both safely hidden deep inside. As a result, my heart couldn’t fully heal. Maybe if I could finally learn how to let go of the hiding, the healing would take place. That’s why I had signed up for the workshop in the first place.

  Our facilitator, Gail Larsen, spent the first three quarters of the first day’s workshop talking about how to speak from a place of truth. But how’s that done by a secret-keeper? Obviously, you’re here for a reason, I thought.

  Then several participants were given eight minutes each to tell their stories. By this time, I was in a cold sweat. A part of me really wanted to do it, but I can’t was all I could think. Still, something drove me to approach Gail with a question. Trembling, through tears I asked her, “Please tell me the secret of how to do this. I’m so deathly afraid. I don’t know if I can tell my story.” (Ironic that I would ask for “the secret,” isn’t it?)

  “Then, don’t tell it,” she said.

  I was surprised by her response. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, if you can’t tell this story that you’re telling me you have to tell, then tell a different one.”

  “No, you don’t understand.” I drew a line on the floor with my toes. “You see this line? It has taken me years to get here. If I don’t step over that line in your workshop, I don’t think I’ll ever do it.” I was surprised by the words that came out of my mouth. This wasn’t what I’d planned at all. But suddenly, instinctively, I knew I was at a crossroads and that my life would change if I could just get over this hurdle.